How to Read a Family

We all have some form of a family or a relationship in our life. Whether it be your parents, siblings, significant other, or friends, we are constantly reading and interpreting messages from these people around you. Some are non-verbal while other clues are said right to our face. How we chose to interpret the people around us and they connections they form will affect your own relationship with them in the future. There are four different theories that I will be briefly explaining and how we can better use them to our advantage in our own lives.

One of the most well-known theories is the Systems Theory. The key word to remember with this one is subsystem. Our families can and are divided into subsystems. For example, one subsystem in your family may include the mother and father while another group may include a child and the mother. If we look at all of these subsystems as a whole, we can see very distinct boundaries and rules that have been established even though they are never spoken of. The only way to find out what the rules are is to break them. We’ve all been there, bringing up the forbidden topic and then receive “the look” from one of your parents.  This particular theory is very popular when trying to analyze the relationships in a family. If we can understand how these systems work within our own families, it can and will be much easier to understand why people do what they do.

Often times when we are dating or in any relationship, we weigh our costs and rewards to see if we are benefiting from this situation. This is formally known as the Exchange Theory. If our costs are lower than our reward, the situation is seen as a positive. If a relationship has more costs then rewards, it often leads to separation. The common idea of “you owe me” is rooted from this idea. When we invest time, money, our emotions, energy, and intellect we expect a reward. Rewards could be something as simple as gratification and as complex as emotional support and love. Look at what you or those around you invest into your relationship and family. You can then determine if you are getting enough out of it and putting enough in. Making a simple adjustment could drastically change how your family functions and is very likely to lead to a happier lifestyle.

Often the most common cause of conflicts in a family is due to misunderstanding or misinterpreting the situation. It could be as simple as shutting a cupboard a little too hard, giving a hug, or smiling. It is these small interaction between one another that leave room for our imagination. We all have our own personal experiences that we take with us and it helps to interpret what’s around us. Two people can be in the exact same situation but have two entirely different interpretations of what took place. For instance, a girl could smile to a guy and be friendly to him. She could be meaning to just be kind to him, but the guy could easily interpret the situation into thinking that the girl was completely into him, boosting his ego, and later causing more confusion between the two of them. This is called the Symbolic Interaction theory. Instead of just focusing on what we deem the situation to be, look at the verbal and non-verbal clues around you and try to read those around you to better understand everyone’s perspective.

The final and most straight forward method to characterize families in is the Conflict Theory. This is all about power and superiority over one another. No one is equal but there is a hierarchy in the family and it is very clear who falls where. Those with more power have influence over the others. In some families, those who make the most money have the power while in other families it is the oldest who has the most authority. It all depends on the personal situation at hand. If we can pick out these roles in our families, then we an advantage when trying to communicate with that particular person. All of these theories have been used for ages by professionals to analyze families. While some methods may prove to be more beneficial in certain scenarios as opposed to others, it is important to understand all of them, so we know how to interpret any situation at hand. We receive feedback, whether it be positive or negative, from our family in every given situation. Often, we misunderstand this feedback, though it is intentional. The more overt we can be, the better for everyone. Leaving less room to be interpreted will result in a healthier relationship. Working to come to means with our feelings and talking with those around us will be the best option when trying to avoid conflict or contention in our homes and lives.